


Before, Now & After

by Ezzy_Pie



Series: Before, Now & After [1]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Beach Holidays, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Holiday Fling, If Kaidan and Shepard met before Mass Effect, Kaidan and Ash being like siblings, Paragon Shepard (Mass Effect), Pre-Kaidan Alenko/Shepard, Pre-Mass Effect 1, Public Sex, Romance aboard the Normandy, Semi-Public Sex, Smut, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect), Space Magic, Spacer (Mass Effect), author plays fast and loose with cannon as she sees fit, holiday romance, slightly AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-01-03 01:00:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21170810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ezzy_Pie/pseuds/Ezzy_Pie
Summary: Samantha Shepard meets Kaidan Alenko while on shore leave.What started as a holiday fling soon became much more.An intense whirlwind that leaves them breathless and wanting more.Neither realizing that they will soon be serving together on the Normandy.NOTE: Now updated and beta'd by the wonderful @unlmtdsky





	1. Samantha

**Author's Note:**

> Been forever since I wrote any fan fic, but here we are! 
> 
> Disclaimer: I know absolutely nothing about military life, real or fictional, so pretty good chance some of the military details might be wrong. I'm going off what I've picked up in game. 
> 
> Anyway, this is an idea that I have had rolling around in my head for a while. I always felt that Kaidan falls for Shepard real hard and fast, like almost instantly, so this fic is kinda based off the idea that they had met before. Had an intense holiday romance before meeting again on the Normandy.
> 
> Hope you like!
> 
> NOTE: Now updated and beta'd by the wonderful @unlmtdsky

Sam Shepard wriggled her toes in the warm, soft sand of Vancouver beach, breathing in the fresh ocean air.

It had been some time since her last shore leave, having just returned from an eight-month tour, and even longer since she had been earthside. But now she had two blissful weeks before her next deployment.

She tilted her face toward the afternoon sun, grinning widely when she spied the beachfront bar.

She took a seat, ordering herself one of the fruity cocktails (complete with tiny umbrella) that she would never admit to drinking any other time than on vacation or with her mother.

Leaning back on the bar stool, she lifted her sunglasses and gazed out toward the ocean. If she had to be groundside, the ocean was where she liked to be. She often thought that if she made it to retirement, the beach is where she might go.

She gazed out across the beach, watching a group of guys play volleyball, one team getting pissy when one of the opposition used biotics to help the ball over the net.

She grinned, turning back to the bar and sliding her empty glass back to the bartender as he handed her another. She'd be lying if she said she hadn't ever used her own biotics for personal gain.

Sipping her drink, she slipped a data pad from her bag and brought up a cheesy romance novel to read. Yet another thing she would never admit to enjoying.

"Shore leave?"

She looked up into a pair of whiskey-coloured eyes belonging to the biotic volleyball player. Damp, ink black hair pressed against his brow, and his olive skin gleamed in the sun. At her raised brow, he gestured toward her wrist, the N7 tattoo a dead giveaway.

"Yeah."

He rubbed the back of his neck. "Sorry, I came over for water," she now noticed he had a paper cup in his hand, "and I noticed your tattoo. I'll leave you to it then." His smile made her heart speed up.

What the hell. She was on vacation. She'd be back on board a starship soon enough. "Wait, would you care to join me?"

"Uh, yeah, thanks. Kaidan." He offered his hand.

"Samantha, call me Sam." She squeezed tight, his hand warm in hers, and she sent a small burst of energy across her skin.

"A biotic, too, huh?"

*****

Sam's hands slammed down on the counter, a harsh breath escaping her as Kaidan pressed up behind her, his teeth nipping at her shoulder. *She had her skirt bunched about her waist, and one of his hands tightly squeezed the flesh of her hip while the other slid into her underwear. Her body felt hot, and her biotics flared across her skin. She whined as his fingers teased her, and she pressed back against him. He pushed back, pressing her further against the counter, his lips pressing firm kisses against her spine.

"Are you certain?" A kiss to her throat. "You want this here?" he whispered against her ear. "We can still go back to my apartment." She raised her head and looked back at him in the mirror, her hair loose and falling from its ties. "It's not far." His grip tightened at her hip, lust darkening his eyes.

She pushed back, leaning on one hand to reach back and draw him into a kiss. "I can't wait." He kissed back, drawing her lip between his teeth, his hand stopping his teasing to yank down her underwear, and vaguely she heard his belt and then his zipper. His cock was pressed at her entrance.

When he had invited her for dinner that evening, she had not planned on fucking him in the restaurant bathroom.

But his smooth voice and calming demeanour had just done things to her. He'd suggested dessert. She’d dragged him into the bathroom and locked the door.

His hands gripped her tight as he slid deep, groaning into her neck. She moaned as he filled her, feeling deliciously full as he began to move inside her.

His pace quickened and soon she was biting her own hand to keep from crying out as he bit down gently on her shoulder, their breathing came raggedly and he was panting behind her, groaning louder, thrusting harder, faster, until her orgasm crashed over her and she couldn't help the cry that escaped her, Kaidan groaning loudly against her neck a moment later.Sam Shepard didn't think she'd ever come so hard in her life.

*****

"And I suggest dining somewhere else in the future."

Sam grinned and Kaidan blushed as the maître d' scanned his omni-tool, crediting the man a sizeable tip. Kaidan quickly pulled her out of the restaurant and they walked briskly down the path, her sandals swinging from her fingertips.

"I had a...nice night."

Sam glanced up at him and saw a broad smile on his lips. He kissed like sin and she wanted to know what else his talented tongue could do.

"It's not over yet." She stopped in front of him, and his hands moved to rest on her waist as her arms circled his neck, drawing him down for a languid kiss. "We haven't had dessert yet

She nipped his ear and he groaned, grasping her wrist and laughing as he tugged her a short way down the street until they stopped in front of a high-rise. He swiped his omni-tool across the panel and the lock clicked open.

He smirked. "I told you it wasn't far."

*****

They stumbled through the door, lips and hands roaming, pulling, touching as Kaidan punched in the security code that locked the door. Sharp gasps and moans echoed through the empty apartment, followed by the soft thud of shoes and clothes systematically being discarded as they crossed the room, falling unceremoniously through his bedroom door.

She lifted her dress and stood before him panting as he removed the last of his clothes. He was glorious. Sharp lines and suntanned skin. A life spent in the military giving his lean body muscles that made her mouth go dry.

His gaze was hungry, and she felt herself growing wetter by the second. His eyes dropped to the long, jagged scars that raked from her waist across her belly and across her thigh. She swallowed hard, averting her gaze as he grazed his fingers gently across the marks across her hip.

Shit.

She should have insisted he turn the lights out. She was usually done with fucking before anyone noticed, slipping out the door sated and satisfied with her bedfellow well asleep.

"What happened?" His voice was soft, gentle.

"Thresher maw. Akuze. My squad...shit."

"Sorry, I shouldn't have..."

"It's fine." She shook her head and stepped from his embrace.

"Hey." He grasped her wrist gently. "Where are you going?"

"You still want to? Even after seeing...this?" She waved her hands across her body.

"We all have our scars, Samantha." She liked the way he said her name. He pointed to his head. "L2 implant. Migraines that can have me laid out for days." He grinned, his hand moving back to her waist.

"You don't want me to go?"

"Hey, battle scars are much sexier than being huddled over the toilet vomiting for days."

"I don't... It doesn't disgust you?"

He traced the scars with his thumb before pulling her close, pushing her loose hair back over her shoulder and drawing her in for a gentle kiss, his thumb caressing her cheek bone.

"You are breathtaking."

Her body trembled as he lay her down on his bed, the crisp linen scratching at her naked skin. He pressed a kiss to the scars, his lips following the marks across her belly and thighs as he gazed up at her with intense golden eyes.

She found out just how talented his tongue was, bringing her to orgasm twice before he was even inside her. He didn't fuck her hard like in the restaurant bathroom, like her sexual past partners usually had. No, Kaidan made slow, tender love to her into the early hours of the morning.

*****

After the first night, she had awoken to the sound and smell of sizzling bacon. Slipping on one of his shirts, she had wandered out to his galley-style kitchen, noting how clean and sparse it was compared to the small, cramped apartment she kept on the Citadel.

He made her breakfast, then made love to her against the shower wall before taking her hand and leading her out of the apartment.

They spent every moment together, testing the limits of their biotics as neither one had ever been with another biotic before.

After the fifth day, he invited her to stay with him for the remainder of her leave.

It was reckless, impulsive and probably a little bit stupid, but she found she didn't care and brought her suitcase to his apartment an hour later.

On the ninth and tenth days, she witnessed first-hand the effects of the L2 implant. She awoke to Kaidan dry heaving behind the locked bathroom door. Instead of leaving him alone like he told her to, she hacked the lock, coaxing him to lay on the bed with her while she pressed a cold compress to his brow in the darkened room. She even slipped out while he napped to pick up his prescription.

Day eleven finally brought Kaidan some relief, and they spent the day cozied up on his couch watching vids and making love.

On the morning of her last day, her omni-tool beeped early at 0600, and her eyes fluttered open. Fumbling for the device, she groaned as she read the message.

It was from Anderson: orders to report to the Citadel.

It was over then.

Reality called.

She looked over at the man beside her, brushing a stray lock from his brow and kissing him awake. She straddled his hips and deepened the kiss. He groaned as she slid down his length, his hands gripping her thighs as he thrust up, meeting the rolling of her hips. They didn't speak, their breathy sighs and low groans the only sounds, and when she collapsed atop him, both spent, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her tight.

The sense of closeness, the intensity of... whatever this past fortnight had been was almost suffocating. Yet she would happily drown in this feeling.

Kaidan's omni-tool beeped a few moments later.

"Orders?"

"Yeah." He pulled her tighter as he spoke. "I need to report tomorrow." He kissed her shoulder, then the back of her neck, his thumb rubbing circles against her hip. "I... I'm a staff lieutenant, Biotics Division."

She rolled over, basking in the softness of his gaze. They talked about many things. She knew he was three years older than her, that his father was ex-Alliance, retired here in Vancouver. She knew he had four sisters: two older, two younger. Of his mother's cooking, the BBQ steaks and Canadian craft beers.

He knew she grew up a spacer kid, military brat. Raised on war ships. He knew about her penchant for fruity cocktails and trashy romance stories. He had seen first-hand her abysmal dancing skills, and she knew he cheated at poker and loved the beach, even that he had a plot of land he planned to retire to someday.

He told her of his traumatic experience at Jump Zero, how he killed a turian trainer at seventeen. She told him she had never met her father, that her mother refused to tell her, even now, twenty-eight years later, who he was. And she cried as she told him about Akuze, about the thresher maw attack, how she was laid up in hospital for months.

Yet the topic of work hadn't come up.

Two soldiers on leave, blowing off steam was one thing, but there were regs against what this was bordering on. She was sure she was halfway in love with this beautiful man.

"Newly minted commander here." She gestured to herself feeling the need to lighten the mood. Thinking about how she might never see him again made her uncomfortable. "How do you feel about fucking a superior officer silly these past weeks?"

"Pretty good, actually." He smiled, but it seemed strained. "How long will you be deployed?"

"I'm not sure yet. I report for duty tomorrow. You?"

"Same, not sure how long." He sighed, rubbing his neck and rolling into his back. "These weeks have been amazing, I... Do you think I could see you again? I mean, if you're...dammit." He closed his eyes. "Fucking regs," he muttered to himself.

"Kaidan."

"Yeah?" His eyes were closed, like he was waiting for a blow.

"I'd like that. Here. Send me your email." She punched her address into his omni-tool. Hers beeped a minute later with a message from a new sender.

"Alenko, huh? Staff Lieutenant Alenko. I like it."

"Commander Samantha Shepard."

"That's my private address." She kissed him. "Make sure you use it, Alenko."

"Oh, don't worry, Shepard, I will."

*****

Forty-eight hours later she stood in dress blues on the Citadel docking station, her heart racing. Anderson had informed her that her name had been put forward as a Spectre candidate. And she was to join his crew so she could be evaluated.

Hoisting her bag over her shoulder, her head already aching from the tight bun on her head, she stepped into the Normandy. Anderson had been her mentor, almost a surrogate father to her, but she had never worked with him, never met his crew.

She stepped onto the combat deck, marvelling at the shiny new tech.

"Shepard!"

"Anderson."

"Finally got you on my ship, been a long time coming. Come, meet some of the crew. I'll introduce you."

He led her up the gangway towards a man slouched in the pilot's chair, Alliance cap resting securely on his head. Beside him, a dark-haired officer fiddled with dials.

"Joker! Meet Commander Samantha Shepard. She'll be joining us on this mission. Shepard, Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau."

"Ma'am."

The pilot responded with a half-hearted drawl while the other officer fell forward at her name. Alarms sounded as he hurriedly turned dials and switches until the sounds finally disappeared.

"You good there, Alenko?"

Kaidan shot up out of his chair, eyes wide, back rigid, hand to his head in a salute. "Welcome aboard, ma'am." He almost choked. Joker glanced between them, a sly smirk on his face. Anderson appeared not to notice his officers’ awkwardness.

"Shepard, this is Lieutenant Alenko. One of the best biotics I've had the pleasure to serve with."

"Kaidan's our tech guy," Joker commented, leaning forward to fix whatever Kaidan had been working on.

She couldn't breathe, hadn't said anything, and Joker was staring again.

"Apologies, ma'am, but I have duties to attend before we depart."

"Of course, Lieutenant."

Damn he looked good in dress blues.

"I'll show you to your quarters, Shepard."

"Yes, of course."

She felt Joker's smirk at her back as she walked across the combat deck.


	2. Kaidan

Kaidan slammed his hand against the panel, biotics flaring bright across his skin as the bathroom door slid open. He took a deep breath, hands braced either side of the sink. His breathing slowed and he splashed cold water against his face, leaning forward until his forehead was pressing on the mirror.

He took another deep breath.

She was here. The woman he had just spent the best few weeks of his life with was standing on the combat deck.

His new commanding officer.

The shock of seeing her there, her dress blues bringing out the deep blue of her eyes. Her flaming hair pinned tight atop her head where a little over forty-eight hours ago those same long red tresses were spread across his pillow.

He should _not_ know how his commanding officer tasted, how she felt wrapped about him. He should not know the sound she makes when she comes hard as he's fucking her every way imaginable.

"Fuck!" Kaidan hissed out beneath his breath.

"I guess that's her then?"

Kaidan spun to see Joker leaning in the doorway. "Not now, Joker."

The pilot laughed. "I'm taking that as a yes."

"Seriously, Joker, not now."

Jeff 'Joker' Moreau was an old friend. They had served together many times over the years, and Kaidan almost always crashed at Joker's apartment on the Citadel before a mission.

Usually the night entailed playing poker and drinking cheap beer. So, last night, after a few drinks, Kaidan had told Joker all about the amazing woman he had spent his shore leave with.

"I take it you didn't know she'd be here?"

"Does it look like I knew?" Kaidan stood and turned to face Joker, running a hand through his hair.

"Look, man, I dunno what to tell you, but you gotta get your shit together. That little scene back there? I dunno how Anderson didn't pick up on it and throw you both off the ship."

"That bad?"

"Alenko, your eyes were practically bulging out of your head, and I swear she literally stopped breathing. Watched your ass the entire time it took you to cross the CIC though."

"Not helping. Do you think people will be able to tell?"

"That you did the nasty with a superior officer? Nah, as long as there are no more scenes like that one." Joker looked hard at him.

"What?"

"It's not like you to break rules, Alenko. Hell, I assumed you were an ‘iron’s his underwear’ kinda guy."

"I didn't know," he whispered.

"What?"

"I didn't know she was a superior. I mean, I knew she was Alliance. An N7. We didn't talk about work."

Joker remained thoughtful for a moment. "Well, this mission is only supposed to be about six weeks. When you get back..."

"She's still an officer, Joker. It compromises the chain of command. There are regs."

"Then why? You could have chalked it up to a great vacation and forgotten about her.

"Not possible."

"That good, hey?" Joker grinned.

"It was incredible."

Joker adjusted his cap then sighed, looking to Kaidan with a sceptical eye. "What did you think was going to happen? Really?"

"I dunno. Dammit, Joker, I didn't expect her to show up here today. I thought, you know, we'd talk, get to know each other better… For once in my life, I didn't think. I just didn't want it to be over."

"There are other women, Kaidan. Ones you can date without risk of court-martial."

"Not like her."

****

The Normandy departed and Kaidan made his way back to his post. Joker had the decency to not mention their new commander, and she was absent from the combat deck when he slid back into his seat.

He had to focus. He had a job to do.

"You good, man?"

Kaidan looked over at Joker, but the pilot's gaze had remained on his console as he spoke.

"Yeah, I'm good."

He settled in, checking systems, the hours ticking by as he did his job. A few hours later, his omni-tool beeped. He glanced down at the message sent to his private account.

**Sam:** _Can we talk?_

His chest tightened. He didn't think he could avoid her for the entire mission, but he also hadn't expected to deal with this so soon.

**Kaidan:** _Hangar bay. Ten minutes?_

**Sam:** _See you in ten._

Excusing himself from the cockpit and ignoring the sly grin Joker sent his way, he made his way to the hangar bay. The sleep cycle had begun an hour ago, so the space was empty save for Sam. She was sitting on a metal crate, wearing an N7 hoodie over her casual wear, wringing her hands together.

She looked up as he approached, slipping from the crate, a small smile spreading across her lips before she looked down to her feet.

"Thank you for coming, Lieutenant."

He felt like he'd been punched in the gut. Lieutenant. How was he supposed to do this when even her refusal to use his name hurt like hell?

"Commander." He nodded, wincing as she grimaced.

"I deserve that, I guess."

"Sorry."

They were both silent, standing a safe distance from the other when all he wanted to do was reach out and smooth the frown from her face.

"I didn't know." Her voice was small, barely a whisper, not like the woman who had dragged him into a restaurant bathroom.

"How could we have?"

"What are we going to do?" she asked. "I don't..." She shook her head.

"We do our jobs. We see out this assignment, be professional."

"Do not let the next words out of your mouth be 'and forget this ever happened,' Lieutenant." She stood straighter now, a fierceness in her voice. A scowl marred her beautiful face, and he was suddenly grateful he'd never face off against her on the battlefield.

Kaidan took a breath and a hesitant step toward her, and after a quick look to see that they were in fact alone, he cupped her cheek and pressed his brow to hers. Her body relaxed, and her hand reached for his, their fingers twisting together. Her breath fanned across his face.

"I don't want to forget. We'll figure it out. It's only a few weeks. We can be professional for a few weeks can't we, Commander?"

"Yeah. We can, Lieutenant." They broke apart, and she was smiling. "Then I'm dragging your ass back to my apartment for a solid twenty-four hours of debauchery. You better be ready, Alenko."

He grinned. "Aye-aye, ma'am."

****

Professional, it seemed, was a boundary Samantha Shepard liked to dance upon. The woman was going to kill him.

They went about their duties as though everything was normal, as though he hadn't mapped every inch of her naked body with his tongue, as though she hadn't given him a blow job in the dressing room of a department store.

She had taken to sending him photos of herself. Nothing overly salacious.

Nothing overly salacious. The slope of her neck. The curve of her breast above a scalloped edge of her bra. Her hip with a strip of black lace showing.

** _Every. Morning._ **

He hadn't jacked off in the shower this much since he was a teenager.

She was trying to kill him.

Kaidan glared down at the goop that was supposedly his breakfast. Jenkins sat across from him munching on some half-burnt toast, and Joker sat beside him stirring the same slop that was passing as porridge around his bowl before pushing it away.

"She's hot though, yeah? Don't you agree, Alenko?"

"What?" His gaze rose to a grinning Jenkins.

"The new commander? Pretty hot, right?"

He dropped his spoon, the soggy cereal splattering out of the bowl across the table.

"Excuse me?" He felt a stab of irrational jealousy shoot through him. He was just a kid.

"Jenkins! In what galaxy do you think that an appropriate thing to say about the commander?" Joker intervened before Kaidan could say another word.

"Is there a problem here, Lieutenant?"

He stared at her from where she had suddenly appeared at the foot of the table, stone-faced, a very slight quirk to her lips."

"No, ma'am. No problems."

He kept his face neutral, and she raised a delicate brow at him as she struggled to hold back her smile.

Jenkins slumped in relief across from him. Joker smirked at his side.

"Good." She moved away.

"Only three weeks left, Lieutenant," she murmured so only he could hear as she passed right behind him and left the mess hall.

Yes. She was definitely going to kill him.


	3. Samantha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!!!

Samantha Shepard sat at her terminal, sifting through data pads and filing her reports. Having to pretend she didn't know that Nihlus was assessing her was frustrating. Anderson had only told her about her Spectre candidacy because he was an old family friend. He went to the Academy with her mother and had been like a surrogate father to her. She had memories of spending Christmases at his apartment on the Citadel as a child, and sometimes Admiral Hackett had joined them, though not since she was very small. Hackett had been an instructor early in their careers, and her mother had pulled some strings with the Admiral to get Anderson assigned as her instructor.

He owed her a favour of some sort.

Nepotism was alive and kicking in the Alliance.

She hadn't seen or spoken to Hackett personally in years, though. Her orders came direct to her omni-tool or via Anderson.

Her omni-tool pinged with an incoming call, and she quickly tossed the data pads aside, relieved to be able to put off the paperwork a little longer.

A shakedown run was never going to be the most exciting mission. They were just delivering supplies to Eden Prime and testing the Normandy's capabilities. But if Nihlus was impressed by her impeccable record keeping, good for him, she guessed. The Normandy was a stunning ship. She'd be incredibly lucky to command such a vessel someday.

Her own command.

It had been a goal for years.

Her omni-tool pinged again. Sam leaned back in her chair, opening up the screen. Her mother, Captain Hannah Shepard, XO of the Kilimanjaro, smiled back at her.

"Hi, Mum."

"Hi, honey. How's the mission? Anderson treating you well?"

Sam rolled her eyes. "He's treating me like any other solider under his command, if that's what you mean."

"Good. Hackett was worried there might be some preferential treatment. That’s why it's taken this long for you to be assigned to his squad."

"Ten years is a long time for Hackett to hold onto this. I thought you said they were friends once. He ought to know Anderson is nothing but professional."

"Steven worries he'll be soft on you. Like before."

A rush of anger ran through her. "Like when he pulled me out of Akuze, you mean? When he was the only one who came looking for me?"

"Sam..."

"They all wrote me off as dead. Even you."

Time did not heal all wounds it would seem.

"Let's not rehash the past, Sam. We've spent a lot of years trying to move past that already. They told me you were dead. Why shouldn't I have believed their intel?"

Her relationship with her mother was…complicated. While Sam was all for following the rules and regulations, there were times when she disagreed. Her mother saw only black and white where Sam saw shades of grey. What she still saw as a betrayal, her mother saw as following orders, putting her complete faith in the Alliance.

Sam couldn't do the same. No matter how many times they argued about it.

Sometimes the rules were wrong.

Nothing and no one would have stopped her from going to the ends of the earth to find her loved ones. Not even Admiral Hackett himself.

She'd desperately searched for survivors from her squad before succumbing to her injuries on Akuze.

Sam's fingers traced the lines of her scars beneath her Alliance uniform. A soft smile pulled at her lips as she remembered how Kaidan had listened to her rant and cry about Akuze before kissing every scar that marred her body.

She missed him. His hands. And his mouth. And his kisses. His soft words whispering against her ear as she shook off nightmares that still plagued her seven years later.

Sending him a late night message just wasn't the same as when he stroked her hair and held her against his chest in the darkness.

It made it so much harder to know he was just a corridor away. Or maybe he was still tinkering away at the control panel outside the mess hall.

"What are you smiling about?"

"Nothing, Mum."

Hannah Shepard narrowed her gaze. "It's not that solider you met on leave, is it?"

Sam grit her teeth. Her mother knew her too well. The second she had confided in her about Kaidan she had regretted it. Though she didn't mention his name or rank, seeing him on the Normandy had shocked her enough to warrant calling her mother and spilling the whole tale.

That had been a mistake.

"You've always had a reckless streak, Samantha, but this? Chalk it up to a fling like the rest and move on. Don't throw your career away over a brief affair with some Earthborn. "

Sam grit her teeth and smiled tightly, pushing down the second wave anger that flared through her in the mere five minutes they had been talking. "It's not like that. He's a lieutenant. A biotic like me. And it wasn't nothing. We connected, I think I might even…"

"A biotic? Not Lieutenant Alenko?"

_Oh, fuck._

"How did you..."

"Anderson only has one biotic on his squad. Very talented, I hear. He speaks very highly of him. I knew his father before he retired a couple years back. Good man."

"Of course you knew him. You know everyone." Sam scrubbed her hand down her face and took a deep breath. Of fucking course she knew him. Just another thing Hannah Shepard could add to Sam's list of screw-ups.

Bang her mother's friend's son.

Check!

"Military families, dear."

"Yeah, I get it."

"An extremely talented biotic. Field medic. Has an uncanny knack for all things tech, I hear." She listed off Kaidan's credentials like she had his dossier right in front of her. Hell, she might damn well be. She had rank and access.

"And a damn fine solider if he's anything like his father."

Hannah leaned closer to her omni's screen. "It's both your careers on the line, Sam. Don't repeat my mistakes. End it before it's too late."

Sam sat forward, her brain latching onto her mother's words. "Your mistakes? Is that what happened with my father? Is he military?"

She knew she was a mistake. She didn't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that one out. No one would ever accuse Captain Shepard of having a motherly instinct.

Alliance first. Daughter second.

Hannah waved her off. "We're not discussing that."

"Of course we're not, why would we." She couldn't help the bitterness that laced her words.

"You're playing with fire. End it before you get burned. For both your sakes. Military relationships are complicated at the best of times. Just focus on your career, Samantha."

Her omni-tool pinged again. A message.

**Kaidan:** _Ten more days until I can kiss you._

"That's him, isn't it?"

"I'll take it under advisement."

"Samantha."

She hung up.

Sam stormed out of her quarters and through to the mess hall. She wrenched open the cupboards, snatched out a protein bar and tore open the packet. Leaning against the counter, she angrily bit into the bar, the chocolatey goodness just what she needed.

Tossing the wrapper in the bin, she headed for the elevator. She stepped in and hit close, heading for the shuttle bay.

She loved her mother, she really did. But damn the woman made it difficult at times. Just once in a while it would be nice to not talk to Hannah the Captain but just Hannah, her mum, without her cataloguing her every mistake.

Her body was thrumming with tension and excess energy.

And the shuttle bay had plenty of room to toss out a few biotic combos.

The doors began to close.

"Wait!"

A hand slipped through the doors, the elevator sliding back open. Kaidan entered, data pad in hand. It took him a moment to finish reading to realise it was her in the elevator with him.

"Commander." He nodded his greeting, though his eyes raked the full length of her body before he averted his gaze and looked back towards the closing door with a smile.

"Lieutenant."

"I'm going crazy, Sam," he whispered under his breath, keeping his gaze on the door.

"Me, too."

"Say the word and I'll jam the mechanism."

He hadn't touched her since that first day on the Normandy.

The smouldering looks he sent her across the mess hall and combat deck had her seeking out her quarters to find some relief the second her watch was over, shoving her hand down the front of her underwear and clamping a hand over her own mouth to stop from crying out Kaidan's name upon release.

It took everything in her to stop herself from hitting the big red stop button and demanding he fuck her against the elevator wall.

But she didn't.

Her mother's voice was in her head.

It wasn't just her career on the line.

Sam kept her focus on the elevator door as she side stepped a little closer. She reached out with her pinkie, curling it around his own. She sent out a small biotic charge and stifled a smile when a shiver went through him.

"We don't have much longer left." She brushed another finger against his hand, and he took the hint, clasping her hand fully in his.

He smiled that beautiful, adorable smile of his.

He continued to face the door.

"Kaidan," she breathed, wishing he could pull her close.

"Soon." He brought her hand to his lips, meeting her gaze as he pressed a soft kiss to each knuckle. His husky voice promised so much in such a small and simple word.

All too soon he released her hand and went back to gazing at his data pad.

The elevator pinged, and when Anderson stepped through the doors, Kaidan was staring intently at the data while she stood with her hands idly behind her back.

"Shepard. You're off duty?"

"Yes, sir. Heading down to the shuttle bay. Give the biotics a bit of a workout." She allowed blue to flare briefly across her hand for emphasis.

"Of course. Alenko?"

"Captain?" Kaidan lifted his gaze from his reports.

"You should join the commander. You finally have another biotic on board to spar with. Take advantage while you can."

Sam stifled a grin as Kaidan flailed for a response, finding none.

"Yes, Lieutenant. I hear you are quite... talented with biotics."

Kaidan's eyes narrowed, and a small smile tugged at his lips. Surely he was thinking of the same night. The night he used only his biotics to make her come. Kaidan, she had learned, could be quite—creative in the bedroom.

"It would be my pleasure, Commander."

The heat in his gaze had her thighs trembling.

****

He lay panting on the ground beneath her, his body hard and vibrating with biotic energy. His eyes were closed and he was breathing hard.

Sam struggled to catch her own breath.

"You okay, Lieutenant?"

It wasn't exactly the physical exertion Sam had in mind, but she wasn't going to complain. He was an intense sparring partner. Talented didn't begin to describe Kaidan's biotic skill. He was exceptional. He put her own abilities to shame.

She had gotten lucky, well, not lucky. She'd played dirty, distracting him with an extra show of skin then sending a shockwave toward him before he could throw up his barrier.

She'd gotten cocky, and he'd brought her down with a pull before sweeping his leg and knocking her down. They'd tussled for a moment with her as victor.

Hence why she was straddling him behind the shuttle in the hangar bay.

"Yeah," he finally answered. His eyes were still squeezed shut.

"Are you sure?" She could feel his hardness beneath his Alliance-issue slacks. She rolled her hips a little and delighted in the tortured groan from the man beneath her.

"Sam. Don't." His voice was low, huskier than usual.

She grinned. "Don't what, Lieutenant?"

She rolled her hips again.

With a shriek she was suddenly on her back, pinned beneath Kaidan's weight. His lips were a hair's breadth from her own, his hands pinning her wrists. She could feel his breath fan across her face. She struggled beneath him, but he held her firmly in place. His body pressed tightly against hers as he grinned down at her.

"Kaidan." She whined out his name like a child denied their favourite toy.

He was so fucking close. If she could just get her hand free…

His omni-tool pinged, and Kaidan released her, much to Sam's dismay. She lay there, flat on the floor as he opened the screen. Joker came into view.

"Kaidan, I dunno what you're doing down there, but Anderson is looking for the commander."

Sam sat up, popping into view of Kaidan's omni-tool.

"Hi, Joker!" She grinned, waving frantically at the frowning pilot. He wasn't entirely pleased about being in on their secret.

"We'll be right up, Joker." Kaidan ended the call.

"He doesn't like me very much does he."

"He doesn't like anyone very much."

"He's your friend. I had hoped he would like me a little at least."

Kaidan stood, offering his hand and helping her to her feet. He held her hand for a moment, his thumb brushing over her wrist.

"Ten days," he said before releasing her to head towards the elevator.

She watch him leave, then stop after three steps, looking back over his shoulder.

"Fuck it!" In two long strides he was in front of her, pulling her back into a searing kiss and pushing her against the shuttle. A zapping sound reached her ears as Kaidan overloaded the security cameras in the shuttle bay.

"Kaidan!"

"I'll fix it later." His lips were on her again, kissing his way down her throat. "Do you want me to stop, Commander?" He breathed against her skin, his hand sliding beneath the hem of her shirt and his fingers ghosting across her breasts, sending a shiver right through to her core.

"Fuck no!" She fumbled with the buckle of his belt, pulling him free as he yanked her own pants down and off. He squeezed her ass as he lifted her, her legs wrapping around him, both biting back their moans as he slid deep, pinning her against the shuttle.

He panted against her throat, and she clung tight to his shoulders, tasting blood in her mouth as she bit down on her lip to keep from crying out.

He was swift and precise, hitting all the right places as his pace quickened.

He slipped his hand between them, circling his thumb against her before sending out a small biotic shock.

Sam bit down on her own hand as stars exploded behind her eyes.

Kaidan groaned into her neck as he followed her over the edge a moment later.

When she arrived in the CIC, Kaidan was in the co-pilot seat, straight-faced and unruffled as Nihlus watched their approach to the mass relay.


	4. Kaidan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: In my own writing, I usually write fantasy. So sci-fi is a little out of my comfort zone. So, basically, if the fight scenes seem a little odd, it's because i'm used to writing magic and sword fights. 
> 
> Thanks!

"You have to stop smiling at me like that, Commander," he whispered low in her ear as they entered the shuttle. He started checking over the life support systems of her hard-suit, brushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "You'll give us away."

"Like you can talk, Lieutenant. Your face is still flushed."

"Save it for shore leave, guys." Joker's irritated voice snapped through both their coms. "I don't need to hear your awkward flirting. I have enough nightmares as it is."

"Apologies, Joker," Sam laughed. "A few more days and you won't have to bear witness to our blossoming love."

"Appreciate it, Commander," came Joker's unenthusiastic response.

"Blossoming love?" He liked the sound of that. If he was being honest with himself, Kaidan was pretty sure he was almost––definitely––halfway in love with her already.

"Is that what we're doing? Falling in love?" Their relationship had definitely been...intense. He'd never bonded so quickly with someone before. They'd, just, connected.

Yeah. He was definitely more than halfway to loving her.

Sam grinned. "Did you think I was just using you for your body, Lieutenant?"

He moved behind her, tugging on her shoulder straps. "I dunno, Commander, you do seem to like it."

She laughed, turning to glance over her shoulder. She was so close, enough to feel her breath fan across his face. "For the record, Lieutenant, I don't make a habit of screwing my dates in shuttle bays." Sam patted his hand and batted her lashes in an exaggerated fashion. "I'll take you somewhere pretty next time. Promise."

"There better be flowers. I'm not putting out if there aren't flowers involved."

She grinned, shaking her head and turning back around, her back to him once more. "Any preference, Lieutenant?"

"Roses obviously. Don't cheap out on me, Commander. I'm a classy guy."

"Guys! Enough!"

Kaidan laughed. They changed places and she began checking over his own systems, her warm fingers teasing the hair at the nape of his neck.

She pulled away abruptly just as Jenkins all but fell through the shuttle door with the pilot.

"First mission, Jenkins?" Sam tapped Kaidan's hard-suit, indicating he was good to go, and he took the seat opposite her.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Had your systems checked?"

"Aye, ma'am."

The young marine saluted and Sam smiled, shaking her head as Jenkins took the seat beside her and strapped himself in.

****

Everything fell to shit the second they landed.

Seven minutes.

Seven minutes before they were under attack.

Seven minutes on Eden Prime and Jenkins lay dead, blood splattering the inside of his helmet.

Kaidan radioed the shuttle as Sam collected Jenkins' dog tags, tucking them into a compartment on her weapons belt.

A veil of professionalism had descended over them both the second they'd set foot on the planet. She wasn't Sam, the woman he'd met on shore leave. She was Commander Shepard of the Alliance Navy.

Cool. Calm. Collected.

"Move out, Lieutenant."

"Aye, Commander"

They battled through geth, turning to their biotics when their weapons overheated.

She threw out shockwaves that barrelled into the geth as he detonated them with his warps. He'd never worked so seamlessly with another biotic before. Though, admittedly, he was used to being the only one on the team. Like everything else since they'd first met, they just worked. They were immediately in sync, an easy fluidity to their combos.

They were moving forward, heading toward distant gunfire and the dig site.

The ground in front of them exploded, knocking them both to the ground. A huge geth appearing from nowhere.

"Prime! Take cover!" he shouted as the synthetic raised its rockets and they dove for cover. His back pressed against a bank of rocks as it fired, a large hole appearing in the place he'd just been standing. Then the prime vanished from sight.

"Fuck! It's cloaking. Can you see it?" Sam's voice crackled through the coms. The gunfire over the next hill was getting louder, making it difficult to hear.

"No! You?" He strengthened his barrier as he peered out from his hiding spot.

"No." She was quiet for a moment, having taken cover across the field.

"Move towards the fire. Doesn't sound like geth."

"Fingers crossed it's our science team and the other Alliance squad."

They moved closer and a spotted a single marine pinned down by three geth.

Sam's shockwave knocked the geth down, but before he could throw out his warps, the prime appeared again.

The thing was huge.

Their bullets didn't stop it, and his and Sam's biotic throws did little to slow it.

It raised its rockets again, firing, taking out a chunk of cliff face behind them.

"Fuck!" The marine, her voice muffled by her helmet, dropped her overheated shotgun and pulled out a pistol as he and Sam hurled out combo after combo with no effect.

Adrenaline coursed through him. He grit his teeth and dug deep. Blue flared over his skin and armour, encasing himself in a tight barrier of biotic energy that made his skin feel tight and wrong.

For the first time since he was seventeen, he let the full force of his biotics take over.

"Cover me!" he shouted through the coms, praying like hell he was fast enough and wasn't about to be blown to pieces.

His fist glowed brighter than ever as he rushed from cover.

A growl left his throat as his fist smashed into the prime with full force, its torso splintering apart with the strength of his biotic punch. The synthetic fell and his second punch landed, obliterating its head, the wires and cabling snapping over his hand.

He threw his palm out, launching the sparking geth across the field. Its wreckage smashed against the cliff face, falling to a fiery heap.

Sam and the other marine fired off shots as he launched double warps at the remaining geth, the synthetics exploding into a million pieces.

He collapsed against the rock formation, sliding to the ground. His heart beating in his throat, his skin burning from the intensity of the biotic field still wrapped tightly around his body.

"I've never seen anyone do that before," the marine said, moving to stand over him.

He pulled off his helmet, sucking in deep breaths and pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes. When he looked up a moment later, the marine, too, had her helmet off. A young woman of around twenty-five stared at him, dark eyes wide, her face pale.

He was shaking, a dull ache building behind his eyes. "I don't make a habit of it."

Thoughts of Jump Zero suddenly flooded his mind. Of Vyrnnus. Of Rahna backing away in fear of the blood soaking his hands. Of punching his fist right through Vyrnnus' chest.

He stared down at his shaking hands trying to steady them, trying to reign in the unwanted emotions. To clear away the phantom blood from his hands.

_Pull yourself together, Alenko._

"Kaidan?" He forced the memory away as Sam's hand rested on the shoulder of his hard-suit.

He shook his throbbing head. "I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

He lifted his gaze, meeting her soft smile. Her helmet was tucked under her arm, strands of hair that had come loose from her bun dancing across her face.

He released a long breath. "Yeah, I'm okay."

The young woman cleared her throat and presented her hand. "Thanks for saving me back there. I thought I was a goner. Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams, Alliance."

Sam took the offered hand. "Commander Shepard and this is Lieutenant Alenko. Where's the rest of your squad?"

Ashley shook her head, and he watched her smile melt into a grim line.

"And the science team?"

"Likely dead, ma'am. The geth attacked out of nowhere."

"We should head to the dig site, catch up with Nihlus.”

"The turian?" Ashley frowned.

"Yeah. Did he come through here?"

Ashley's face hardened, and he watched her fingers flex at her side. Sam's gaze briefly met his.

"Sure did. While my squad was getting slaughtered by the geth. Didn't even try to help us."

"I'm sorry about your squad. I'll radio our shuttle, get you an extraction." Sam brought up her omni-tool, her brows drawn tightly together. He wondered if she was thinking of Akuze.

"Wait, no. Sorry, Commander, but I'd rather tag along, if that's okay? Take out a few more geth?"

Sam nodded. "The Lieutenant here's a medic. He gives you the all clear, you're welcome to join us for a little payback for your squad."

Sam put her helmet back on and moved around the battlefield, adding the fallen soldiers' dog tags to Jenkins' and fiddling with her omni-tool. She was no doubt marking the scene for the shuttle to pick up the bodies.

Compassion wasn't something often found in Alliance soldiers.

He hadn't realised he'd been staring until Ashley cleared her throat loudly.

He snapped his gaze back, the sudden movement a mistake with his building migraine. She was looking at him with a raised brow and a slight smirk.

"Am I good to go, LT?"

He checked her life support systems and tightened a few loose clips on her armour, but she seemed fit. Perhaps a bit bruised and scratched, but nothing major.

"Looks good, Chief." He stood, replacing his helmet and reloading his weapons.

****

Like his migraine, things got progressively worse.

The beacon was gone, Nihlus was dead and they were pretty banged up after fending off a horde of ghoulish husks that would likely haunt his dreams for years to come.

And he'd just finished disarming three fucking bombs while Sam and Ashley picked off more geth.

It was difficult trying to maintain a strong barrier while his head was about to explode. He was trying very hard not to vomit inside his helmet as he disarmed the final charge.

"Done."

"Nice work, Lieutenant." Sam moved ahead, pressing herself against the wall.

Kaidan staggered slightly to his feet.

"Whoa, LT! You all good there?"

Sam looked over, her stance rigid. She didn't move, but concern laced her words through the coms.

"You all right, Kaidan?"

"Yeah." He tapped his helmet. "Overdid it back there with the prime. Migraine. Nothing I can't handle."

"Well, good news, LT." Ashley had moved ahead with Sam. "I can see the beacon. Painkillers and a nice cool med bay are within reach."

Sam hesitated a moment.

He switched his coms to private. "I'm fine, Sam. I promise."

She nodded and they moved out.

****

They stared up at the beacon. It made his skin tingle and vibrate all over. Calmness washed over him, and the violent pounding in his head dulled. Something called to him, pulling him forward, and the voices at his back got dimmer and dimmer until all he heard was the low thrumming singing across his skin. Pictures flitted through his mind as the beacon called. He reached his hand out...

"KAIDAN!"

A body slammed into him, and he hit the ground hard as bright light exploded from the beacon. Sam was caught in the blast.

"SAM!"

Light surrounded her, arms snapping to her sides as her body convulsed and she was engulfed in green light several feet from the ground. Her head turned at an odd angle.

He tried to run to her, but Ashley held him back. He struggled against her, but his migraine slammed back hard and he tasted bile in his mouth.

It was killing her!

"Let go!"

"No! You wanna get caught too?"

"Let go!"

He broke from Ashley's hold just as Sam fell, and the visor of her helmet cracked loudly against the ground.

"SAM!" He rushed forward, throwing off his helmet, and skidded to his knees. He removed her shattered helmet and lifted her head carefully, checking for damage.

Dilated pupils.

Shallow breaths.

Blood streaking her hair.

His heart beat wildly in his chest while he checked her over.

"She okay, LT?"

_She's alive. Breathe. Be calm. Be professional._

"Yeah. She's stable for now. Here, hold her head steady."

He switched places with the young marine and pulled up his omni-tool.

"Joker! Patch me through to the shuttle."

It was a long drawn out moment before Joker responded.

"Patching you through."

"This is Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. We need an evac. NOW!"

****

Dr. Chakwas had pressed some pills into his hand and ordered him to lie down the second he was back on board the Normandy.

Currently, Kaidan stood outside the med bay, gazing through the door as the doctor and her team worked on Sam. Poking and prodding, they removed her armour and scanned her with numerous medical devices he'd never seen before.

His head pounded. This was on him. She was in there, unconscious, because of him.

He tightened his fist around the pills in his sweaty palm.

Would she have thrown herself in front of the beacon if not for their personal relationship? He knew deeply personal things about her, knew a little about her service record from things she had told him. But, really, they hadn't known each other very long.

What kind of soldier was she?

By the book? Compassionate? Vengeful?

"Come on, LT, let the doc do her thing." Ashley appeared at his side. "Take the meds and go lie down or something."

He glanced down at the young woman beside him. Would Sam have done the same thing for her?

"This is my fault."

"No. It wasn't. We all felt the pull. You were already wiped. I'm no biotic, but even I could tell you'd done something big with that Prime back there. Permission to speak freely, LT?"

"You aren't already?"

Ashley smiled, taking a step forward and placing a hand on his shoulder. Both of them were still in filthy armour.

"I can tell you care about her..."

"She's my commanding officer," he snapped a bit too quickly.

Ashley shrugged. "Sure. If that's what you're telling yourself, okay. But you're beat. You're pale as fuck, you can barely stand and you look as if you're about to puke."

"You talk to all your COs like this, Chief?"

"I'm not actually part of your squad, LT, so I'll take my chances." She punched him in the arm playfully. She reminded him of his youngest sister, and he couldn't help but smile. "Take those pills the doc gave you. I'll stay here." Ashley slid down the wall below the med bay window. "I'll come find you if there's any news."

"Thanks, Williams." He ran a shaky hand through his sweaty hair.

"Call me Ash. We're friends now, LT."

He hesitated a moment longer before she shooed him away.

"The second you hear anything..."

"I'll come find you." She laughed, "Now go."

He nodded, grabbing a bottle of water from the mess hall on his way through. He swallowed down the pills Chakwas gave him and made his way to the observation room. The officers' quarters were currently hosting a rowdy game of poker.

Kaidan tucked himself on the farthest couch and closed his eyes against the spinning room, pressing the cold bottle against his brow.

He tried to take Ash's words into account. He was exhausted, his biotics were spent and he had a building migraine—all of which had factored into his inability to resist the beacon.Logically, he knew this was right. But guilt still ate away at his insides.

_Had _she saved him because of their relationship?

Had their blossoming romance already gotten in the way of their job?

And was this all one big mistake?


	5. Samantha

She hurt all over. Her joints were stiff and her head ached as Sam blinked awake, the dull lighting of the med bay flickering above her, still far too bright. She felt a tight pinch and a warm hand on her upper arm.

Images ripped through her mind, smashing through the gentle awakening. Her head throbbed, pounding as though her skull would be split apart. She became aware of a pitched scream, blood rushing through her ears.

An invasion. A bloody war. Death.

Burning worlds drenched in blood.

Extinction.

The screaming got louder as her mind burned, and she thrashed against the hands that held her. Another tight pinch, then relief as the blackness reclaimed her.

When she came to again, Ashley Williams sat on the cot across from her, softly reciting poetry under her breath.

"Kaidan..." Sam croaked, her voice sounding hoarse and harsh even to her own ears. The younger woman looked up from her tablet, a soft smile gracing her lips as she set it down.

"LT's fine, been sleeping off a wicked migraine since we got back." Ashley released a heavy breath, shaking her head. "You saved my ass, Shepard, you and the lieutenant. The least I can do is sit with you for a bit."

"I'm glad you're okay, Williams. Ah, is Lieutenant Alenko okay?" Sam tried to sit, her head throbbing, and Ash stood to gently push her back down with a smirk.

"The doc sent LT away. I, uh—you woke up last night, and I didn't think a highly agitated biotic was the best thing while you were thrashing around and screaming like that."

"He's not dangerous," Sam snapped. She knew how some people saw biotics: freaks of nature, volatile, suited only to be honed into a military-grade weapon, especially L2s like Kaidan. Hell, she had copped plenty of grief over her career for being a biotic.

People's short-sightedness still astounded her at times.

Ashley's brows drew together tightly in a scowl. "That's not what I meant, although he looked pretty wild tearing through that prime. Never seen anything like it. But the guy was wrecked—thought he was gonna puke the entire shuttle ride back, but he wouldn't let you go. I just meant he might make himself sicker." Ashley looked at her, something passing across her features. "He was pretty worried about you."

"It's good he's all right. He's a good solider." Shepard remained silent, focussing on the dull throb at the back of her skull.

_Be professional. He's your subordinate. You'd have done the same for anyone._

Wouldn't she?

The med bay's door hissed open before Ashley could respond, and the doctor bustled in, data pad in hand.

"You're awake? Feeling better, I hope?" Doctor Chakwas began checking her over, poking and prodding at her head. She didn't notice Ashley slip from the room.

****

Sam rubbed at her temples, squinting up at Anderson and Hackett on the captain's omni-tool. Ashley stood against the far wall. Kaidan sat quietly on the cot opposite her, Chakwas having given him some more pills to swallow down.

She'd spent the last hour debriefing everyone. She explained how a dock worker witnessed Nihlus’ murder at the hands of a turian named Saren. A Spectre according to Anderson. She told them of her vision, and Kaidan and Ashley told them all of the loss of the beacon. They would be heading back to the Citadel to make their report to the Council in person.

A rogue Spectre was serious business.

"Are you sure you're okay, Commander?" The admiral asked not for the first time, concern in his eyes as the image flickered.

"Yes, sir. I'll be fine. Just a headache now."

"Shepard…"

"You can tell my mother I am fine. You needn't worry yourself." His concern for an old friend's daughter was endearing, but unnecessary. She'd survived worse.

"With respect, Admiral, the commander said she's fine. Doctor Chakwas has cleared her," Anderson snapped, and Sam waited for the reprimand from Hackett about respect. It never came.

Hackett nodded, his lips pressed in a thin line. "See you on the Citadel. Shepard. Anderson." He signed off.

"Sir?"

"Yes, Shepard?"

"Jenkins..."

Anderson rested his hand on her shoulder, giving her a gentle squeeze. "Jenkins and Williams' squad have already been retrieved. They'll get a proper send-off once we're back on the Citadel. Thank you for retrieving their tags. They will be returned to their families."

"Thank you, sir."

"Rest now, Shepard. You, too, Alenko." Anderson smiled and he motioned for Ashley to follow.

"Feel better, guys. I'll be in the mess if you need anything."

"Thanks, Ash," Kaidan answered as she followed Anderson, chatting animatedly to the captain as they disappeared.

Sam turned back to Kaidan, alone for the first time. He looked terrible. Dark circles ringed his eyes, his hair was sticking out all over the place and his eyes were bloodshot as he looked at her. His migraine must have been horrible, and she hadn't been there to help him through it.

"You can't do that again," he whispered.

Her heart stuttered in her chest, and guilt sat like a stone in her gut. "I didn't mean to worry you, Kaidan."

He sighed, pushing a hand back through his hair. She wanted to reach out, pull him close and have his body curl around hers. She scooted forward on the cot.

"Perhaps this was a mistake, maybe we shouldn't be..." Kaidan dragged his hand down his face then up the back of his neck.

She stilled, feeling like someone had just doused her in ice water. The calming warmth she felt in his presence was instead chilling her blood.

Fuck, was he about the break up with her?

"Kaidan..." She felt the tears burn her eyes, refusing to let them fall as he looked at her. "Please don't."

"Tell me that you didn't do it because of us. That you didn’t throw yourself in front of _unknown_ alien tech because of your feelings for me." He was begging, pleading for the answer to a question she had no answer for.

"Kaidan... please." She turned away, closing her eyes, and she heard him stand.

"Sam, tell me." His voice cracked, a harsh whisper in the too quiet room. "Please."

"I can't." She couldn't look at him. She didn't know herself. She'd run into danger countless times for her squad, but she'd also left people behind when necessary. When one life sacrificed meant the salvation of many. "I don't know."

"Fuck!" he hissed, lurching off the cot and starting to pace. Sam could feel the biotic energy radiating off him. He stopped abruptly in front of her. "Then perhaps we shouldn't be doing this. This is why there are regs against this sort of thing."

They knew this going in, when they decided to continue. This was also the kind of thing that ended promising careers. She wouldn't force him to choose between her and the Alliance. They'd only known each other for barely two months, even if it felt like a lifetime for her.

"If that's what you want?" She wouldn't cry. She wouldn't force him to stay with her by acting so... female about it. For anyone to see her cry meant she was weak, soft, a woman. She wasn't a woman to the Alliance. She was a soldier. A commander.

Hell, Sam had never even seen her own mother shed a tear.

She'd cry in the shower where no one could see. Like a good solider.

His face fell, shock etched into every line of his face. "Of course it's not." He knelt down in front of her on the bed, casting a furtive glance out the window before taking her hand. His thumb rubbed softly across the N7 tattoo at her wrist. "I think this could really be something, Sam." He spoke low, lifting her hand and ghosting a kiss across her knuckles.

"Me, too."

He smiled softly at her, and she had to resist kissing him.

And damn it was hard when he was saying the sweetest things and looking at her with the softest eyes.

"We're heading back to the Citadel. I'll make sure I get a different posting. If we want to continue, we can't serve together."

"I know. I hate it though. I'll miss you." She squeezed his hand. This is how it would have to be if she wanted to keep him a little longer.

"We can still talk every night." He tapped his omni-tool and attempted a smile.

"I'd like that, Kaidan."

"Oh, hey, Doctor Chakwas!" Ashley's voice sounded a little too loudly outside the door, and Kaidan dropped her hand, retreating to the other side of the room.

When Chakwas entered the room, he was standing against the far wall. He nodded to her. "Feel better, Commander." Then he left the room.


	6. Kaidan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well damn, look, an update! 
> 
> Not going to lie, life got busy and quarantine is kicking my ass. I am NOT cut out to be a school teacher, haha! 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

Kaidan stood overlooking the Presidium, having recently disembarked from the Normandy. Sam and Ash stood to his left, the trio having stopped to admire the view on their way to find food that wasn't a protein bar or freeze dried. The Citadel was well into its night cycle, and the lights glittered across the vast expanse of the station.

He didn't come up here often. Usually he headed directly to Joker’s place, ordered what classified as pizza on a multi-species spaceport and busted out the cards and whiskey before passing out in Joker's guest room.

But not tonight.

Joker had given Kaidan the new passcode to his apartment and told him to _'keep it down if you bring Shepard back here.'_

So here he stood with Sam, who was being completely unfair in a cornflower blue mini dress and loose flowing hair. And she knew it, too.

He had the pictures on his omni-tool to prove it.

"What time is your meeting with the Council?" Ash spoke, rapping her fingers on the railings impatiently. The younger woman wasn't one for staying still, unless it involved Tennyson, of course.

Sam puffed out her cheeks leaning further over the railing. Her hair fell forward over her shoulders, and Kaidan fought back the urge to touch her.

It was fucking hard.

"Oh eight hundred. Anderson wanted to make sure they were done with me before the memorial."

"You nervous, Commander? The Council is not so fond of humans."

He'd be lying if he said he wasn't a little pissed he and Ash were being excluded from the meeting. They _had_ been there with her.

And he knew what the Council species thought of humans. Scum on the bottom of the galaxy's boot. Vyrnnus had called his own biotic students cockroaches.

But he wasn't thinking of Vyrnnus today.

He was enjoying the view.

"Why not? We've got oceans, beautiful women, and this emotion called love. According to the old vids, we have everything they want."

Kaidan drew his thoughts back to Sam. "When you put it that way, there's no reason they wouldn't like you. I mean us. Humans. Ma'am."

_Dammit._

Sam kept her eyes on the lights of the Presidium, a small smile forming on her lips.

"Smooth, LT," Ash muttered, smirking up at him and shaking her head. She reminded him so much of his sister Remi. Small and irritating.

He ignored her shit-eating grin.

"I'll meet you two there. I'm starving and there's only so much citygazing I can do." Ash elbowed him on her way past. "You can do better than that." Then louder, "Later, Shepard!"

Sam scooted a little closer, but not enough to touch.

"I'm going to talk to Anderson about a new assignment. After the Council meeting."

Kaidan leaned back, gripping the handrails tightly. "Are you sure that's what you want?"

She turned, finally looking at him for the first time since they disembarked the ship. Her gaze met his, luminous pools of blue. She was different out here, off the ship. Her entire being just seemed—lighter. Freer. A glimpse of the woman he had first met on shore leave in Vancouver.

Sam reached out to tug lightly at the hem of his shirt, dropping her gaze as she rubbed the fabric between her fingers. "I want to be with you."

Her words were soft. So quiet he almost didn't her above the noise of the markets.

Kaidan glanced around. No Alliance on the wards.

_Fuck it._

He reached out, sending a small burst of biotic energy across her hand. He curled his hand around hers and tugged her to his side.

"Kaidan." She smiled, looking over his shoulder before looping her arms around his waist as he pressed a kiss to her brow.

"I want this, Sam. I want you. And if you want me, too, I'll do whatever it takes to be with you. Even if it means I cannot fight by your side." He kissed her then, and she melted into his arms for a brief moment before pulling back with a mischievous smile. Damn, he never wanted to be parted from her.

Was it too soon to say that?

Without a word, she slipped out from where he had bracketed her against the railing and took his hand, pulling him toward the skycar rank. She practically dragged him down the escalator before sliding into the nearest waiting car. "Apollo's. There's an extra fifty credits if you take the long way and keep this closed." Sam tapped the divider between them and the driver. The asari nodded, and the window snapped closed. She was in his lap and pulling at the button of his jeans before the car had cleared the rank.

"Sam." His hand tangled in her hair as he pulled her in for a hard kiss, his other hand sliding beneath her dress and his fingers brushing the jagged scar that slashed across her stomach. His thumbs brushed beneath her bra.

It had been torture being unable to touch her, kiss her.

"I missed you, Kaidan."

He helped her drag his jeans down, pushed her underwear aside and when she slid down on his cock, he was unable to hold back a salacious groan as his eyes rolled back in his head and he saw stars. He pulled the shoulder of her dress down and closed his mouth over her breast, causing her to moan unashamedly as his tongue swirled around her hardened nipple, her nails biting into his shoulders as she rode him hard.

Damn, she did things to him. Fucking her in the back of a cab was not in this list of things he had planned today.

He felt her flutter around him, and their lips met as they both found their release.

The skycar driver beat on the divider, announcing their arrival.

She kissed him once more before sliding off his lap and out of the cab. Kaidan took a moment to pull his pants up, the cab driver smirking at him as Sam paid her the extra she had promised.

When they arrived to meet Ash for lunch, she had already ordered. If she noticed Sam's still-flushed face, she didn't comment. She only glanced at him over her beer bottle with a grin.

****

Sam stood beside Anderson as he addressed the auditorium. She appeared tall and rigid, neatly pressed in her dress blues, medals shining on her blazer. She stared ahead, and to everyone else she was a soldier mourning her fallen comrades. Not that she wasn't mourning them, but there was something else, too. Her entire body was tense, her jaw locked and he noted the subtle grinding of her teeth and tensing of her jaw.

He hadn't seen her after her morning meetings. She'd messaged him telling him she'd be late to the memorial. Just that. A short, sharp message. Through the Alliance channels. Not private.

It had sunk like a stone in his gut. Clearly things had not gone well.

The service ended, flags raised and anthems playing as Kaidan made his way toward where Sam and Ash were talking with Anderson.

"Lieutenant Alenko?" Kaidan turned to see a dark-haired woman of average height staring at him. Various medals decorated her lapels, and she had captain's bars on her shoulders.

"Ma'am." He gave a quick salute.

"At ease, Lieutenant." He dropped his hand, locking his hands behind his back and standing straight.

"What can I do for you, Captain...?"

"Shepard."

_Fuck_.

He swallowed hard, keeping his eyes on her.

A decorated captain, a veteran of the First Contact War.

Samantha's mother.

"It's an honor, ma'am. You’re..."

"You served recently with my daughter?"

"Aye. Commander Shepard is a highly talented biotic. I have worked with very few that have such high competency. You should be proud."

Captain Hannah Shepard narrowed dark eyes on him. Sam really didn't look anything like her mother.

"I am aware of my daughter's credentials. Highly decorated. Personally selected for the N7 program. She has a great career ahead of her." She stared hard at him and Kaidan met her stare. He wasn't one to easily break under interrogation. He had to believe he could withstand Sam's mum.

He hoped.

Kaidan's eyes flickered to Sam, who was still talking animatedly to Anderson and Ash. She turned, briefly met his gaze, then looked away. Ash was outright staring with a frown.

"And she's a terrible liar."

Kaidan's gaze snapped back. And he wasn't unconvinced the older woman was reading his thoughts. He hoped she couldn't see what he did to her daughter in the back of the skycar yesterday. Or what she did to him in Apollo's bathroom.

_Shit. Fuck._

She took a step closer, and Kaidan had to pull back the instinct to raise his shields.

"You have a promising career, Lieutenant. Decorated soldier. Field medic. An extremely talented biotic by all accounts. Anderson says you're the best tech expert he's seen. On the fast track for promotion, too, I hear. You do your father proud."

Something softened around the older woman's eyes, though her jaw remained tight. "My daughter likes to blow off steam, Lieutenant. Don't let her whimsy ruin two perfectly good careers."

"I…"

"Alenko! Anderson's asking for you. Oh, excuse me, Captain. May I steal the LT away for a bit? Thanks. He's needed for an important briefing. You understand."

Hannah Shepard pursed her lips and narrowed those dark eyes once more, looking between Kaidan and Ash. "Of course. Nice meeting you, Lieutenant." She stuck her hand out and he took it, her grip tightening. "Think on what I said, Kaidan." She released his hand and smiled tightly as he allowed himself to be dragged away by Ash.

****

He hadn't gotten to speak to her after the memorial, and it was another seventy-two hours after that before they had managed to steal away this time. After chasing down leads on Saren, which led them on a merry chase across the Citadel, they ended with having recruited a turian, a quarian and a krogan.

Pressley was going to have a fit.

Kaidan himself had gained a killer migraine while he watched Sam interrogate, or more aptly, threaten, a sleazy guy called Harkin.

She'd messaged him no more than ten minutes after they had left Anderson, Ambassador Udina and their new crew mates. He'd managed to get some painkillers, and a quick shower but his skull still throbbed. He was used to pushing through pain. Besides, he'd like at least one moment with her before they redeployed.

This thing was Saren was far from over.

Kaidan found her looking at model ships at one of the market sellers still dressed in her BDUs, and a small yellow bag hanging from her fingers.

She turned over a miniature of the Destiny Ascension before setting it back down and perusing another.

"So? First human Spectre, huh? That's pretty big."

She turned and smiled tightly, brushing her fingers against the back of his hand as she moved past him. He followed her towards the viewing point overlooking the Presidium and leaned back against the rails. Sam fidgeted, then paced a few steps before taking a seat on the bench, setting the yellow bag at her feet before she looked up at him. A few loose strands had come free of her tightly wound bun, and there was a smear of blood across her collar and shoulder from the earlier fighting.

She'd come straight here then.

"I never wanted to be a solider, you know?"

He hadn't expected that. Sam looked up at him. She seemed… something. Not herself. Sad even.

"What did you want to do?"

She smiled softly then, a real smile, though small. "Art."

"Didn't see that one coming. You any good?"

She grinned, bright and wide this time. "Yeah, I am. But I wanted to teach. Children. The small ones."

Kaidan's heart swelled and her words conjured the image of a little girl with dark curls and bright eyes, up to her elbows in paint. He quickly shoved the vision away.

He cleared his throat. "You like kids?"

She nodded, meeting his gaze." Yeah, yeah I do."

He scratched the back of his neck and swallowed thickly. "Do you want them? Kids. Of your own."

Her smile faltered and her fingers tightened in her lap. This is it, he'd fucked it up. It was too soon for those types of questions.

"Sam, I…"

"Maybe. I used to want that. A family." She shook her head and stared at her lap. Kaidan pushed off the railing and joined her on the bench, taking her hand gently in his. He could feel the biotic vibrations beneath her skin.

"Sorry, I…"

She gripped his hand and met his gaze once more. Damn, her eyes were so blue, so clear. He could stare into them forever.

"It's fine. This is first date stuff anyway, isn't it?" She laughed softly. "I did want all that, then after Akuze... I'm broken, Kaidan. I never quite fit back together right after that. I'm not sure if I ever will." She squeezed his hand. "But being with you makes me feel a little less broken."

"I know the feeling."

"Brain Camp," she murmured, rubbing her thumb across his knuckles. He nodded. Sometimes he could still see that blood. He squeezed his eyes shut briefly; the throbbing in his head made it hard to push the memories out.

"So art school. Why didn't you do it? The teaching? Why enlist?"

Sam arched her eyebrow. "I saw you talking with my mother at the memorial. Why do you think?"

"She disapproved?"

"I applied to the Artist Academy here on the Citadel. I got in, too."

"And you didn't go?"

"I struck a deal. Promised I'd do basic, the mandatory two years. If I still wanted art school, I could have it after that. I was an idiot."

"Sam, you were, what, eighteen? You weren't an idiot."

She shook her head, a grim smile playing across her mouth. "Growing up with my mother, I should have known better. She lives and breathes the military life. Anything outside that means nothing to her. After my two years were up, it was always something. Then at twenty-one I was deployed to Akuze. And you know the rest."

"Commendations. N-School. Meeting this ace volleyball player in Vancouver."

She smiled and pulled him closer until she could lean her head on his shoulder.

"Are we going to talk about the Spectre thing, Sam?"

She exhaled, linking her fingers through his. "I didn't even get a chance to speak to Anderson. The decision was made. I couldn't refuse. Looks like we will be serving on the Normandy together for the foreseeable future."

"I understand."

"This is your last chance, Kaidan."

"For what?"

"To opt out. To say no. I won't give you another one. You say yes now and we're in this." She squeezed his hands between her own. "Come what may. I'm yours."

"I'm in, Sam. You've got me. But you have to promise me something."

She lifted her head and brought her hand to his cheek. "What is it?"

"No heroics. No special treatment. You can't go throwing yourself in harm's way if you think I might get hurt."

"Ok. I promise. The mission comes first. No heroics on your behalf."

"And no shooting me if I piss you off."

She laughed, real and clear and bright. "Check. No shooting Lieutenant Alenko if he forgets my birthday. Promise."

"Good."

She stood up, picking up the yellow bag and taking his hand to pull him to his feet.

"Come on, you need to sleep. I know you have a headache, Kaidan." She reached up and brushed the wisps of hair at his temple. "You get this tension around your eyes and you squint a lot. It's cute you try to pretend you're not in pain, but you don't have to. Not with me. Let me take you back to Joker's."

She kissed him quickly on the lips, then stepped back an appropriate distance. His eyes fell on the bag again.

"So what's in the bag, Sam?"

She grinned wide, revealing the whites of her teeth. "Noise cancelling headphones for Joker, of course."


	7. Samantha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I am still here! 
> 
> Have another chapter!
> 
> Just a short one sorry.

She found him in the mess hall, a half-eaten protein bar abandoned on the table beside him and his omni-tool in pieces across the table. Two soldiers were casting glares in Kaidan's direction. Both sat up stiffly as she approached, suddenly focused on their half-eaten meals.

"There's a whole engineering deck for this kind of thing you realize, Lieutenant?"

He looked up as she slipped into the chair across from him, the edge of his lips twitching where he was holding back his grin. She hadn't had any time with him since leaving the Citadel.

"Have you been below deck today, Commander? Pretty sure Tali and Adams have the drive core in pieces and scattered across the entirety of engineering." He shook his head with a small smile. "Never knew quarians were so excitable."

Sam grinned. "What about the hangar bay?"

"Didn't fancy getting in Wrex's way. Was running some kind of drills with Garrus. Don't know if I really want to head-butt a krogan. Not today anyway."

She tapped her chin thoughtfully. "I think could do it."

He laughed. "I'm sure you could. If you ever have a mind to take Wrex on, let me know. I want front row seats."

"Deal." She watched him as he continued to tinker with the omni-tool, occasionally picking up a small tool to adjust something. "What are you doing?"

"Picked up a new mod on the Citadel, wanted to get it installed before we hit Therum."

Sam leaned back in her chair, her fingers rapping once on the table. "You enjoy your time on the Citadel, Lieutenant?"

He smiled and resumed his tinkering. "You really think there are Prothean ruins, Commander?"

"Subtle subject change, Lieutenant. But it would be something if there were, wouldn't it."

He smiled and went back to his tinkering. Sam watched his hands quietly for several minutes. Kaidan wasn't a small man. He was broad across the shoulders, well-built. His hands were definitely not dainty, but the dexterity he was using to tweak his omni-tool with such precision was amazing.

Seems he was good with his hands in all areas.

No. They had rules.

No sex on the Normandy.

She stood up, snatching up his half-eaten protein bar on her way out. He laughed under his breath as she slipped away, punching in the floor to the combat deck and stepping onto the elevator.

Pressely shot her a glare as she crossed the deck toward the cockpit.

Not all the crew had been welcoming of the aliens.

Joker sat slumped in the pilot's seat, his cap pulled low over his face.

"ETA on Therum, Joker?"

Nothing, no response. She frowned. Was he asleep?

She stepped closer. "Joker!" She touched his shoulder.

"Shit, what...oww." He yanked the headphones she hadn't seen from around the back of his neck. He glared at her. "Anyone ever told you not to startle someone with Vrolik's Syndrome, Shepard? I could have shattered something important," Joker sniped.

"Anyone ever told you not to wear noise cancelling headphones in the workplace?" She smiled, dropping down into the co-pilot seat. "Sorry. Are you okay? I didn't mean to surprise you like that."

"Fine, Commander. Ah, thanks for the gift by the way. I guess Alenko told you what I said. No disrespect intended, Shepard."

"All good. It was supposed to be a joke, but glad you like it. Maybe just turn the volume down in future, yeah? I don't need the best pilot in the galaxy to shatter his pelvis turning in his seat." He grimaced. It was the closest thing she'd gotten to a smile from the snarky pilot.

She'd take it.

"So Therum? How long?"

"Still a few hours, Commander." He turned to look at her, eyes narrowed beneath his cap. "So. You and Kaidan. You're really doing that then?"

"I bought you the headphones, Joker. What do you think?"

He didn't smile as he spun his chair to face her, his voice low. "Don't play with him, Shepard. He doesn't do this much."

"Screw his superiors?" She raised her brow in mock innocence.

Joker just glared. She sighed, leaning forward.

"I'm not playing, Joker. I like him. A lot"

_I think I love him._

He studied her for a long moment. "Fine."

"We good, Joker?"

He held her gaze for a long moment. "Sure, Shepard." He turned back to his console. The conversation ended.

She sat for a moment staring out the window. Sam hadn't had many close friendships. Joker's concern for Kaidan was sweet, endearing. Not that the grouchy pilot would appreciate being called sweet.

She got up from the seat and moved back towards the elevator, heading back down to her quarters. Might as well try and get some sleep.

Kaidan was still tinkering with his omni-tool, though the mess was empty. "You should get some rest. Few hours and we'll be groundside."

He didn't look up. "Almost done, Commander."

"It's just us now, Kaidan," she said softly, moving to stand by him. She inched closer than was necessary, her finger ghosting across his shoulder.

He looked up at the empty room. "Oh, I hadn't realized." He looked down at his omni-tool, then back up at her. "Guess we didn't get our date, did we."

"Next time," she whispered. "I promise. Roses and all."

He took her hand, pressing a quick kiss to her palm, before letting go. "I'll hold you to that."

"You better."


	8. Kaidan

"Are you sure you're okay to drive? I'm sure Ash could drive if you needed," he murmured beneath his breath as he leaned forward, his arm resting across the back of the driver's seat of the Mako. Kaidan was inspecting the life support systems of her hard-suit.

He'd been laid up in the med bay for the better part of the night with a migraine. When Sam had questioned Chakwas on his ability to join the ground team, she had refused to give him medical clearance. Though he was sitting this one out, it was still his job to monitor their vital signs.

Sam met his eye briefly. "You're worried about what Anderson said, Lieutenant?"

Kaidan pressed his lips into a thin line, keeping his focus on checking her vital readings.

Sam hadn't driven a Mako since Akuze. Kaidan had stepped into the hangar bay as her ground team was getting ready, inadvertently hearing Sam arguing with Anderson over the coms. He'd definitely caught the word Akuze and enough to gauge she hadn't driven since.

"I've got this, Alenko."

"Aye, Commander. Sorry." He stepped back as Tali slipped into the backseat, Ash shouldering him out of the way.

"Now this is what I call a girls' day out. Sorry you're grounded, LT."

Kaidan stepped back, and Sam shook her head as she tried to keep the smile from her face.

He turned to Ash, inspecting her suit as he had Sam's, checking the reading on his omni-tool. "Are you really, Chief? I'm flattered."

She shoved him away playfully as he finished up his inspection. "Forget it, not sorry at all. With our alien tech expert in the back here, it means I'd have been sitting this one out had you not been benched."

"She good, Alenko?" Sam leaned over, tapping her hands on the wheel impatiently as she looked through the passenger door. "We gotta get moving."

"All good, Shepard. LT's just finishing up." Ash looked back at him with a grin and nudged him with her shoulder, winking at him. "I got her, Kaidan."

Ash slid into the seat and shut the door before he could respond.

****

He was being a hypocrite. He knew this. No special treatment, he'd said. No risks, he'd said. Now who was the one pissed at being left on board while the other was groundside?

Kaidan was sitting in the co-pilot chair beside Joker, riding the coms while Sam and her team located the asari scientist.

And she hadn't checked in yet.

It was pissing him off.

"I’ve noticed she’s not as rigid as you are with checking in. Relax. She got the job done long before you came into the picture." Joker laughed and somehow slumped down even further in his seat.

Kaidan shot the pilot a glare before speaking into the coms.

"How is everything, Commander?"

"Therum is hot and dusty and volcanic, and the Mako is crowded and sweaty. You are _not_ missing anything, Lieutenant," came Ash's terse reply.

"Noted, Chief."

Kaidan looked at the maps on his console. "The volcanic activity is off the charts, and the seismic activity will mess with the navigation. Might make it difficult to locate hostiles, too."

"Fantastic." Sam's voice came through the coms. "Good thing I have a giant cannon strapped to this thing."

"Sure you don't want me to drive, Commander?" Ash's voice was suddenly drowned out by the sound of gunfire.

"Drop ship, incoming."

"Fuck!"

"Get on the fucking guns, Williams! Tali, hack as many geth as you can and hold on."

Kaidan heard explosions and the sound of a gun fight. The mic screeched with feedback, and the coms went dead.

****

"Jok…oker…ed…me…Joker!"

Kaidan sat up straight as the pilot scrambled for the com speaker.

"Commander? Shepard."

Biotics vibrated across his skin, pulsing as his anxieties heightened. Hours. They hadn't heard from the ground team in hours. Somehow, Kaidan had managed to keep himself calm, collected, professional. He was an Alliance solider. He treated this mission like any other, followed the protocols for when the ground team went silent.

It had damn near killed him, and Joker's sideways glances hadn't helped.

He'd kept his focus.

"Joker! Tali patched my suit com. Get the Normandy airborne and lock on my signal. _Now!_ This whole place is coming down!"

Joker was already retracting the landing gear as he spoke. "Aye, Commander. Secure and aweigh. ETA eight minutes."

"Not much margin for error there, Joker." Kaidan muttered.

"Make it five, Joker. We got company!" Sam shouted again, gun fire heard loud and clear, and then "Move, move, move!"

"Shit." Joker had the ship in the air, and Kaidan had locked onto Sam's location.

"Uploading Shepard's hard-suit coordinates. Mining facility east of here. Get this ship in the air."

"Aye, Lieutenant."

****

He walked at an unhurried pace. The Normandy's staff lieutenant bolting down the corridors to greet his commanding officer wasn't exactly a stealth move.

So he walked at a slightly accelerated pace that was, by Kaidan's definition, still too slow.

He slammed his hand against the panel, and the elevator began its excruciating descent down to the hangar bay.

Still too fucking slowly.

Kaidan arrived just as Sam and Tali were helping a disoriented asari off the shuttle. Wrex stepped in to scoop the almost unconscious scientist into his arms and took her to the med bay. Sam appeared to be in good health. No visible signs of injury.

"You missed a good fight, LT. The commander kicked some serious krogan ass with those biotics." Ash had appeared at his side. For someone who carried as many guns as she did while having bright pink stripes on her armour, she was surprisingly stealthy.

Or he was just too distracted.

"Relax, LT. I brought her back in one piece for you.”

Kaidan gave her his sternest look, then led her to the bench, assisted with removing her armour and gave her a brief once-over. He glanced down at the young woman and wondered, not for the first time, if he should just admit what he had failed to hide.

Still he went with the safest option.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Chief."

Denial.

"Pfft. Sure you don't."

"Remind me to introduce you to my sister next time we're in Vancouver. Remi would love you."

"Do you wax lyrical to her about your ardent, most passionate for love Shepard?"

"I take it back. You two should never, ever meet." Kaidan patted her shoulder. "You're good to head up to the briefing."

She waved him off as she began unbuckling her armour as she left the hangar bay.

Kaidan moved to where Sam and Garrus were leaning against a workbench, having stripped off their chest plates. Sam's under-suit was unzipped and hanging from her waist, leaving her in a black tank top, her sports bra clearly visible.

She glanced away from her conversation with Garrus, a sly smile gracing her lips as she lowered her gaze to her own sweaty, exposed skin. His gaze followed hers over her still-flushed body, down the slope of her neck and across her collarbone, then to where the scoop of her top dipped and the tightness of the sports bra flattened her considerably against her chest.

"Here to give me a once over then?" Kaidan's gaze snapped back to hers as she turned to Garrus. "The lieutenant here is our resident field medic."

Garrus looked up from his rifle, piercing him with a predatory gaze, seemingly having not noticed Kaidan's clear and blatant ogling of his superior. "Yet he didn't come on the ground mission?"

Sam looked worriedly at him, clearly not wanting to out his medical condition without his permission, especially to one of the newest crew members.

Kaidan shrugged and tapped the side of his head. "Migraine. L2 implant." If Garrus understood, he didn't say. He simply nodded. It's not like his migraines would stay secret for long anyway.

"You have much alien medical training?"

"Some. Enough to patch you up in the field and get you back to Chakwas."

Garrus grunted. "I'll just go see her then."

"I'll go, too!" Tali emerged from somewhere inside the shuttle with a spanner.

Finally alone, he smiled. "Are you okay, Sam?" He took a step closer, and she reached out to grip his hand, sending a small wave of biotics through his fingers.

"I'm fine, Kaidan," she murmured, tugging him a little closer and around the side of the workbench.

His hand slid to her waist, and the other brushed a strand of tangled hair from her face.

She leaned into him, resting her head against his shoulder and heaving a long sigh. "I wish you'd been there."

"Me, too," he whispered against her hair, pressing a chaste kiss to the side of her temple.

Then Joker's voice crackled though the coms, and they reluctantly pulled apart.

"Anderson on the com link, Shepard."

The moment was broken.

****

He didn't like it. He didn't like it at all.

Kaidan wasn't a jealous guy, but the current situation wasn't helping. Not at all. Especially when he could do absolutely nothing and say absolutely nothing when a very beautiful asari had her hands all over the woman he loved.

The crew were gathered in the briefing room, and Doctor Liara T'Soni had been peppering Sam with questions throughout the entire briefing with light touches on her arm, her shoulders. Asari were a very tactile people, he knew this, but the wishful gleam in her eye as she asked about the Prothean beacon was frustrating.

His gazed narrowed as Liara once again rested her hand upon Sam's arm and left it there, Sam seemingly unbothered by or simply not noticing the gesture.

He _hated_ this.

"There were images, pictures I couldn't, still can't, quite make out. I dream about them." She shuddered, and it killed him that he couldn't comfort her through her nightmares. Sending messages in the dead of night wasn't the same as holding her until she calmed down enough to sleep.

"I may be able to help with that, if you'll allow it."

"It would be appreciated, yes."

The asari rested her hands on either side of Sam's face, then leaned in very, very close and pressed their foreheads together.

"Close your eyes, Shepard."

"Ahhh, should we leave you two alone?" Wrex laughed. Garrus chuckled at his side.

"Shut it, Wrex," Ash snapped. "Get your mind out of the gutter. She's helping the commander." Ash looked across the table at Kaidan and gave him a sympathetic look before winking. Kaidan glared at the young woman, but, as usual, she seemed unfazed.

"Embrace eternity." Liara spoke, and his attention returned to Sam.

Sam's head snapped back, gripped tight in Liara's grip. Her eyes rolled back, fluttered open then closed, her eyelids moving rapidly enough for him to see from across the table, and he felt his biotics surge and forced himself to shove it down. He gripped the side of his chair. The need to protect, to launch himself across the table and separate them was overwhelming.

Ash kicked him under the table.

The tension in the room was palpable.

Then suddenly Sam snapped back to herself. She sat up, her back ram rod straight, blinking rapidly into the bright room.

Dr. T'Soni slumped back into her chair, drained. "Oh, I…I'm feeling a little…woozy."

Kaidan had to admit she didn't look good. The blue of her skin seemed paler than before, and he suddenly felt guilty about his earlier thoughts.

He found himself on his feet and then kneeling beside Liara's chair, taking her wrist and checking her pulse.

"She alright, Alenko?" Sam was at his side, peering down at Liara with concern.

"Everything seems to be fine. I think she just overdid it. Best get her to Chakwas to make sure."

"Noted. Wrex, a hand please."

****

"Faaaarkk!"

Kaidan looked up from where he was coming down the steps from the main battery with Garrus as Commander Samantha Shepard came storming out of the med bay like a flaming goddess of fury. Pale blue enveloped her form, and her fiery hair was alive and wild with static energy where it was loose around her shoulders.

She was officially off duty but clearly hadn't hit the showers yet. She still had on her tank top from earlier and her Alliance-issued trousers and combat boots. She had been coming and going from the med bay for the last few hours.

"Guess the doc's awake," Garrus said at his side.

"Vakarian! Alenko! Briefing room now!" She moved past them without looking up as she aggressively starting hitting the elevator buttons.

"I want the whole team. Ten minutes. Briefing room."

"Aye, Commander."

"What the hell happened with T'Soni?" Garrus glanced back towards the med bay, and Kaidan followed his gaze. He couldn't see anything from here.

"Don't know. But orders are orders. Best not keep the commander waiting."

They arrived with two minutes to spare, walking in as Sam angrily hit the end call button to who appeared to be the Council. She'd tied her hair up in a messy bun, definitely not Alliance standards, and she'd pulled on a worn N7 hoodie. She looked more tired than she had earlier.

She didn't wait until they were all seated before she began.

"Liara was unable to make sense of the Prothean data in my head. So that's a bust. We're no closer to understanding that." She balled her hands into fists and pressed them against her hips. Kaidan watched her take a deep, calming breath.

It didn't appear to work.

"So we'll be heading directly to Noveria from here. Joker already has the coordinates. It'll take a few days to get there, but I still expect your mission reports on my desk by tomorrow 0900. The objective will be to locate Matriarch Benezia…"

"I'm coming." Liara had appeared in the doorway, still pale and a little unsteady on her feet. "She's my mother."

Sam pressed her lips together, and Kaidan noted the tightening of her fists as murmurs rose up in the room.

"I was getting to that part," Sam snapped before looking back to Liara. "Fine. But only if Chakwas clears you. I won't have anyone at less than their best while on mission. No exceptions."

"Understood, Shepard."

"And your personal feelings don't impede the mission. The second they do you'll be escorted directly back to the Normandy."

"Of course."

Ash snorted and instantly clasped her hands across her mouth. Sam's eyes zeroed in on her, blue fire glaring at the young woman. "Something to add, Williams?"

"No, Commander, nothing."

"Good." She began pacing the room, going on to describe the mission parameters and their objective, then dismissed the room before sliding into a chair at the head of the table. He hesitated a moment at the edge of the room, but when she didn't look up and instead leaned her elbows against the table and covered her face with her hands, he turned to leave.

"Lieutenant, a moment." He stopped, looking back. Her face was still stern, professional, as was her voice. She lifted her wrist. "Would you have a minute to take a look at my omni-tool? It got damaged…"

"Oh, I can do that, Shepard," Tali interrupted, stopping on her way halfway out the door. “I have made several modifications to my own, and I am sure I have spare parts if yours is damaged beyond repair. What model is it? Nexus? Polaris? Oooh, do you have a Savant?"

Sam gave him a pained smile over Tali's head. He couldn't help the pang of disappointment sinking in his gut.

"I think Tali's got you covered, Commander."

She nodded as he headed out the door.

This whole endeavour had been harder than either of them had thought it would be. Like in the trashy romances Sam loved, they’d, drawn together like magnets from the moment they had met. Keeping his distance from her seemed like the hardest thing in the world when she was right there across the table or sleeping just a few doors down on the same ship.

They had set themselves up for some perverted kind of torture neither had anticipated, and it had been weeks since they had touched beyond a stolen graze of fingertips in the hallways. Their brief embrace in the hangar bay had been more than he could have asked for, but a few minutes of time with her would have been very welcome.

His omni-tool pinged as he reached the crew quarters, and he looked to see a new message in his private email, smiling as he opened it. Short, sweet and simple.

**Sam:** _ I miss you._


	9. Samantha

Samantha Shepard was beginning to feel the Alliance brass were taking advantage of her newfound Spectre status. Initially, they hadn't been impressed by her doing Council work. She was an Alliance soldier, not a Council lackey.

Though, as it now seemed, they had clearly decided it was to their advantage.

Their mission to Noveria had been somewhat delayed by the urgent need to take care of a rogue VI on Luna Base. With the order coming directly from Admiral Hackett himself, Sam had been unable to refuse.

Her team had done an exceptional job getting the base back under Alliance control, between Tali and Kaidan's tech skills, Ash and Garrus's near perfect aim and Wrex's capacity to simply smash through rocket drones, the mission had been a success. Even Liara had helped, the soft-spoken asari surprisingly quite handy with a pistol as well as harbouring some pretty impressive biotics. 

They had gone directly from Luna Base to Noveria, arriving within mere hours. She and her squad had hit the ground with aching bones and weary heads, and were now grateful to be heading back to the Normandy.

Noveria had been rough.

Sam looked over to Liara who was staring listlessly out of the shuttle window.

The confrontation with Matriarch Benezia hadn't gone as expected.

Not at all.

Benezia had sent waves of asari commandos to attack, and the room had erupted in blinding blue light. A fast, brutal and bloody battle of biotic force had been unleashed on both sides of the fight.

Sam had never professed to be the strongest biotic, but the commandos' pure power had been relentless, a force to be reckoned with.

Sam allowed her gaze to move surreptitiously to Kaidan.

He sat across from her with his arms folded across his chest, his eyes closed and his head resting against the bulkhead. She could tell by the rhythm of his breathing he wasn't asleep.

Watching him go up against waves of commandos had been nothing less than mesmerising, and if she was honest, somewhat arousing. Both their bodies had been thrumming with energy, hot and sweaty, with adrenaline coursing like a violent river through their veins. Kaidan had easily matched the commandos in skill and power, taking them down as though they were little more than paper dolls.

He was an incredibly powerful biotic.

She'd only gotten a glimpse of it back on Eden Prime.

Sam inhaled deeply and released a long, slow breath.

Not only had Noveria been a complete shitshow, they'd had to contend with the discovery of rachni.

_Rachni!_

Sam frowned as she continued to stare. Kaidan had been concerned about her decision to release the rachni queen, and in her exhaustion, had reacted badly to his, quite reasonable, concerns.

_The matriarch's eyes fluttered closed for the last time, and Sam heard a sob wrench from Liara's lips. She turned away, giving the asari a moment of privacy in her grief, and turned toward the rachni queen. The creature was grotesquely beautiful, a remnant of a time long since past, and she couldn't help but admire the survival instincts which this being had employed. She was the last of her race, captured and exploited in such a monstrous way._

_ "How did you do it?" Sam whispered to the creature as she pressed her hand to the glass._

_When the queen spoke, Sam was enraptured. There was such a sad beauty in the queen's words. She didn't beg, she didn't plead, yet her life was completely in Sam's hands._

_She was tired, so fucking tired._

_Her biotics were completely depleted, her body ached, and the chaos of the past hours were swirling around inside her head._

_A sentient ship? And what did Saren want with the Mu Relay? And what the hell was the Conduit? Saren had the coordinates? To what?_

_And now fucking rachni?_

_What the hell was Saren playing at?_

_And Benezia?_

_Anger and loathing swelled in her chest, almost choking her as she looked at Liara weeping by her mother's side. Benezia didn't have to die. Sam could have been faster, stronger, better. She should never have allowed herself to be put off course by Hackett. She was a Spectre now. This mission should have taken precedence, and now Liara was suffering for her inadequacies. She'd played the good little solider and followed orders._

_Her mother would be so proud._

_"Shepard…"_

_"What!" she snapped, rounding on Kaidan, his brown-gold eyes flaring wide at her abruptness._

_"Commander. Those tanks on her enclosure? They're acid. Strong enough to dissolve any living creature. They must have them installed for a reason."_

_"Are you questioning my leadership, Lieutenant?" she snapped, the words like acid on her tongue._

_"What? Of course not."_

_"Then release her."_

_"Shepard_ _—" _

_He took a hesitant step closer, his face pallid and sweaty, his voice soft, gentle. _

_It pissed her off._

_"I said release her, Kaidan!"_

_His gaze narrowed sharply on her. "Yes, ma'am."_

Sam sighed, leaning back further into her seat. She'd hoped to talk to him on the shuttle ride back, but he'd sat down and closed his eyes the minute they boarded the shuttle. He hadn't opened his eyes or spoken since.

And Liara, well, she didn't know what to say to Liara. The asari had just watched her mother die.

Which left Sam alone with her thoughts, replaying the mission over and over. What was the Conduit? What did Saren want with the Mu Relay? How had he come across an allegedly sentient ship? Had she done the right thing releasing the queen? What could she have done differently? Could she have saved Benezia from Saren's clutches?

She closed her eyes, not rousing until the shuttle pilot announced their arrival on the Normandy.

****

"Rachni, Shepard? You released a fucking rachni queen into the galaxy?" Wrex came charging across the hangar bay. She felt both Kaidan's and Liara's biotics flare at her back as she stepped down from the shuttle and the angry krogan charged her.

Wrex was fuming.

"Back off, Wrex," she growled, drawing on her own biotics and shoving him back from where he was crowding her personal space in an attempt to intimidate her.

"I will not be responsible for the eradication of an entire species," she shouted, her own fury and doubt once more blazing hot in her gut as she stared down her crew. "Or does anyone else here think genocide is okay? Huh?"

Kaidan was staring at her, and her earlier irritation with him was in the forefront of her mind. "Something to say, Lieutenant?"

"Nothing I haven't already said, Commander."

Anger flared as she stared at him, all but snarling out her next words. "Are you questioning my command again, Lieutenant?"

His eyes widened before narrowing sharply, his words like ice. "No, Commander."

The air between them crackled.

Liara turned to Sam, her eyes streaked with dry tears, her armour with blood and grime and the innards of rachni spawn. "I don't feel well, Shepard. I think I'll go lay down." Liara's voice cracked as she shouldered her way past Wrex. The krogan stepped out of her way respectfully and said nothing but continued to glare at Sam. Kaidan's biotics still thrummed at her back.

She dropped her own shields as Wrex continued to stare harshly, but he made no further move toward her.

"Stand down, Lieutenant."

His biotics held in place. Sam turned to look at him. Kaidan's eyes locked on Wrex, his body taut and ready for attack.

"I said stand down, Kaidan."

He blinked in her direction at the informal use of his name. "Commander—"

"I gave you an order. Stand down!" she snapped. His gaze locked on hers, and he dropped his shield. She felt the biotics withdraw, but they were still humming beneath his skin.

Wrex stalked off with a growl.

Kaidan took a few steps forward and began to unbuckle his armour, setting the pieces down carefully despite the ripples of biotics she still felt roiling off him. His face was tight. He was pissed.

Her own body hummed with pent up anger and biotic energy as she watched him. When he stood only in his under-suit, he made to walk toward the elevator door.

"Lieutenant!"

He winced at the use of his rank, her tone harsh and cold to even her own ears, and he stopped where he was to look back at her.

She never used his rank where they were alone. "Never question my command in front of the crew again. Ever. Are we clear?"

His eyes narrowed, and she watched his jaw tighten. "Yes, ma'am."

****

Sam threw the data pad down and raked a hand through her unbound hair. Going through the same report over and over would accomplish nothing. It certainly wouldn't alter the outcome.

What was it they said about insanity?

Benezia had not survived; however, the matriarch had broken through Saren's indoctrination long enough to relay vitally important information.

Sovereign. Saren's flagship. A dreadnought of incredible power and size was apparently the key.

But how?

She stared down at the discarded data pad in disgust. The Council would not be pleased. She had managed to accomplish nothing but uncover more questions and no answers.

She shoved her chair back from the desk, looking through the partially open door of her quarters, her gaze drawn across the hall to the crew cabin.

Kaidan had retreated to his bunk immediately after the briefing had concluded and hadn't come out since. He was technically off duty, so he could do whatever he wished in his downtime.

Including ignoring her.

His silence hurt.

But could she really blame him for being pissed at her?

She cursed the feeling of self-doubt that has risen in the aftermath of confronting Benezia. Sam had never prohibited her squad from having opinions—in fact, she welcomed them—yet she had shut down Kaidan's concerns harshly.

Too harshly.

Like a fucking animal marking its territory.

In the throes of feeling her own inadequacies too keenly, she just had to stamp her authority over him. Twice now in front of other crew members.

Yes, he was right to be upset. She'd been out of line with her behaviour toward him.

In trying not to appear lenient on the man she was in an inappropriate relationship with, she had overcorrected when she needn't have. The matter had been over. He hadn't questioned her once they were on the shuttle, hadn't even really questioned her to begin with.

She pulled up her omni-tool, typing out a short message and hitting send.

**Sam:** _ Can we talk? _

Fifteen minutes passed, then twenty.

Only silence greeted her, the message going unanswered.

She shoved herself from her chair, appalled with herself for letting personal matters affect her so, and glared down at her reports.

There was nothing new to be gleaned from them. Hopefully Feros would turn up something solid in their search for Saren. There were reports of an organic lifeform he was searching for on the planet, and Joker had already set a course.

When Kaidan still hadn't answered her message thirty minutes later, she gave up. Throwing her omni-tool down on her desk with a huff of irritation, she walked out her door toward the med bay.

Doctor Chakwas was filling in some paperwork at her desk, and she waved Sam through to Liara's room.

"How are you, Liara?” Sam took a seat beside Liara on the bed where the asari had been reading through a pile of data pads.

Liara looked up, setting her work aside, and Sam could still see the tear stains on her face.

"If you're here to talk about Benezia's death, you need not bother. She brought it upon herself."

Sam noted the quiver of the asari's lip and the way she fidgeted with the corner of the bed sheet.

"Don't pretend it doesn't bother you. She was your mother." Sam smiled softly, taking Liara's hand and squeezing gently in what she hoped was a comforting gesture.

Liara met her gaze, offering a watery smile. "She was… but she was not. I prefer to remember Benezia as she used to be, before she was captured by Sovereign's power."

"I am sure you have some lovely memories of her, Liara. Think of those."

Liara nodded, tears spilling down her face. Sam reached up, squeezing her friend's shoulder, then drew her in for a hug.

Before Sam knew what was happening, Liara's soft lips closed over hers. Sam didn't move, momentarily stunned. She heard the whoosh of the med bay door opening, and Liara pulled back abruptly, her eyes wide as she realized her mistake.

Sam blinked in surprise several times.

"Oh, I—"

"Sam?"

Sam stood abruptly, her head snapping to the cracked voice from the door entrance.

Kaidan stood in the doorway, the expressive depths of his eyes flashing with hurt.

His hair was in complete disarray and stood seemingly higher than usual, and his white t-shirt was rumpled, his pants creased.

His eyes were red and still puffy from sleep.

Oh.

He straightened and cleared his throat. "I got your message, Commander, but I see now isn't a good time."

"Kaidan—"

He turned quickly on his heel and left, leaving Sam to stare dumbly at the empty space.

She was such an idiot.

Of course he was sleeping.

He'd expended an exorbitant amount biotic energy fending off commandos. He'd be exhausted after using as much power as he did. She herself had been utterly drained after the fight. If she hadn't been so irritated, she'd have taken more notice of his paleness after the battle and the way he had slumped into the shuttle seat with exhaustion.

Just like she had.

Fuck, she was an idiot.

"Shepard?"

She turned to Liara, the asari's eyes wide and apologetic.

"I'm sorry, Shepard. I misunderstood." Liara's gaze flitted to where Kaidan had stood a moment ago. "You and the lieutenant then?"

Sam dropped to the seat, burying her face in her hands. Lifting them, she blinked at Liara, chewing on her lower lip. "Kaidan is... special to me."

"I am sorry, Shepard. I didn't realize."

"It's okay, Liara. You weren't to know." Sam exhaled and looked to her friend, guilt gnawing at her. "I am sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, Liara. It wasn't my intention."

Liara smiled. "It is alright, Shepard. I am not used to humans. The melding, I haven't done that before... I was confused. But I would still like to be friends."

"Of course, Liara. Hey, ahh...can you not…"

"Your secret is safe. You should probably talk to him, though."

"Thank you. I really am sorry."

Liara waved her off with another bright smile.

Sam pulled up her omni-tool, but her message went unsent.

Joker's voice came over the coms.

"Commander, we're picking up an Alliance distress signal. Hackett's ordered us to Edolus to investigate."


End file.
